Dear Fanniers,
I hope you all had a fab Xmas and New Year. I am thoroughly recharged and am back with a mission.
Over the last year I have heard so many women who have had difficulty with sex, being told by medical professionals to “just relax.” Of course anyone who has ever told anyone to relax, smile, snap out of it or cheer up will probably know, this has the opposite affect.
Matters of the fanny are complicated. Some have problems of pain that may have nothing to do with their mental state (for example vulvodynia and dyspareunia. Some, like myself, had psychological problems that controlled their body in a subconscious manner (see vaginismus).
Whether a patient has a medical condition, or they are just finding sex difficult, doctors should not be dismissing problems with sex. They should be probing further and referring patients to specialists.
It took many years for me to confess to a family planning clinic that I could not have sex. The year was 1996 and I was 22. My then boyfriend had dragged me along after one two many hysterical, heartbroken nights where it just wouldn’t go in. I was convinced that the pain I felt on trying to shag for the last seven years was the normal cherry-loosing pain that every woman experiences and I was being extra wimpy in not being able to accept it.
We were sat in the corner of a room filled with people. When an elder lady asked me what was wrong I immediately started sobbing. I was so ashamed and embarrassed by what had happened and, other than the men I was intimate with, I had not told another living soul.
“I…can’t…have…sex,” I managed to sob. Then took a deep breath and held it. After a few moemnts I said quietly, “It won’t go in, it hurts. I’ve tried… for so long.”
A motherly smile spread across the practioners’ face. “Oh you just need to relax.” Then to my boyfriend, “give her a glass of wine and a tickle.” I went into hysterics and my boy had to practically carry me out. For the rest of the day I was inconsolable and that night downed two bottles of wine. Of course it didn’t work. For the next few months, as well as feeling hopeless and unhappy I was either hungover or paralytic,
A few months later he convinced me to tell my GP. I had to build up the courage again. She was able to diagnose me with vaginismus and over the next years I learnt to understand my condition. When I was about to be penetrated (be it by tampons, a spatula, or a willy) my pelvic muscles would clamp up. Nothing was going to get in there unless I learnt to open them. Through therapy, Kegal exercises, a lot of experimentation, understanding and perseverance I was able to conquer this.
I figured that my experience at the family planning clinic was just unlucky. I should have gone to the doctor straight away. And surely, over the last decade, we’ve moved on from this damaging lack of understanding.
Sadly this is not so. I have come across so many women who have been dismissed by medical pratitioners of all levels. It is tragic that some of these have stopped trying to get answers and have swept their sex lives under the carpet.
Not being able to have sex will not kill us. But not having control over our bodies, or having unexplained pain or weird feelings, can certainly affect our well beings and our relationships. The sad fact is that help is out there if you know where to look. So, my mission is to help enlighten the medical profession and to direct ladies needing help to helpful places.
I am currently working with Tuppy Owens and The Outsiders on The Sexual Respect Tool Kit, which aims to bring our sex lives into the GP’s surgery. If questions about our sexual health and fulfilment can be asked along with our blood pressure and height, doctors would likely reach a lot more individuals. And, once a patient does confess to sexual issues, we hope to arm them with a directory of helpful institutions. Read more about it here.
And if anyone reading this would like to speak to a qualified sex therapist, you can either self refer, or be referred by a doctor, to one of the practioners The College of Sex and Relationship Therapists (COSRT) they operate all over the UK. To get to their website click here.
Finally if any ladies would like to share their experiences of stubborn / painful nethers and the medical profession - whether they are positive or negative - we’d love to hear from you. And, if you would like to chat to other ladies who have has similar experiences, in confidence the next Open Forum will be In London on Monday January 9th. If you would like to come drop me a here - of course they would be completely confidential.
Have a wonderful, sexy 2012 everyone xxx
I hope you all had a fab Xmas and New Year. I am thoroughly recharged and am back with a mission.
Over the last year I have heard so many women who have had difficulty with sex, being told by medical professionals to “just relax.” Of course anyone who has ever told anyone to relax, smile, snap out of it or cheer up will probably know, this has the opposite affect.
Matters of the fanny are complicated. Some have problems of pain that may have nothing to do with their mental state (for example vulvodynia and dyspareunia. Some, like myself, had psychological problems that controlled their body in a subconscious manner (see vaginismus).
Whether a patient has a medical condition, or they are just finding sex difficult, doctors should not be dismissing problems with sex. They should be probing further and referring patients to specialists.
It took many years for me to confess to a family planning clinic that I could not have sex. The year was 1996 and I was 22. My then boyfriend had dragged me along after one two many hysterical, heartbroken nights where it just wouldn’t go in. I was convinced that the pain I felt on trying to shag for the last seven years was the normal cherry-loosing pain that every woman experiences and I was being extra wimpy in not being able to accept it.
We were sat in the corner of a room filled with people. When an elder lady asked me what was wrong I immediately started sobbing. I was so ashamed and embarrassed by what had happened and, other than the men I was intimate with, I had not told another living soul.
“I…can’t…have…sex,” I managed to sob. Then took a deep breath and held it. After a few moemnts I said quietly, “It won’t go in, it hurts. I’ve tried… for so long.”
A motherly smile spread across the practioners’ face. “Oh you just need to relax.” Then to my boyfriend, “give her a glass of wine and a tickle.” I went into hysterics and my boy had to practically carry me out. For the rest of the day I was inconsolable and that night downed two bottles of wine. Of course it didn’t work. For the next few months, as well as feeling hopeless and unhappy I was either hungover or paralytic,
A few months later he convinced me to tell my GP. I had to build up the courage again. She was able to diagnose me with vaginismus and over the next years I learnt to understand my condition. When I was about to be penetrated (be it by tampons, a spatula, or a willy) my pelvic muscles would clamp up. Nothing was going to get in there unless I learnt to open them. Through therapy, Kegal exercises, a lot of experimentation, understanding and perseverance I was able to conquer this.
I figured that my experience at the family planning clinic was just unlucky. I should have gone to the doctor straight away. And surely, over the last decade, we’ve moved on from this damaging lack of understanding.
Sadly this is not so. I have come across so many women who have been dismissed by medical pratitioners of all levels. It is tragic that some of these have stopped trying to get answers and have swept their sex lives under the carpet.
Not being able to have sex will not kill us. But not having control over our bodies, or having unexplained pain or weird feelings, can certainly affect our well beings and our relationships. The sad fact is that help is out there if you know where to look. So, my mission is to help enlighten the medical profession and to direct ladies needing help to helpful places.
I am currently working with Tuppy Owens and The Outsiders on The Sexual Respect Tool Kit, which aims to bring our sex lives into the GP’s surgery. If questions about our sexual health and fulfilment can be asked along with our blood pressure and height, doctors would likely reach a lot more individuals. And, once a patient does confess to sexual issues, we hope to arm them with a directory of helpful institutions. Read more about it here.
And if anyone reading this would like to speak to a qualified sex therapist, you can either self refer, or be referred by a doctor, to one of the practioners The College of Sex and Relationship Therapists (COSRT) they operate all over the UK. To get to their website click here.
Finally if any ladies would like to share their experiences of stubborn / painful nethers and the medical profession - whether they are positive or negative - we’d love to hear from you. And, if you would like to chat to other ladies who have has similar experiences, in confidence the next Open Forum will be In London on Monday January 9th. If you would like to come drop me a here - of course they would be completely confidential.
Have a wonderful, sexy 2012 everyone xxx
RSS Feed