This feature was written for www.rudemagazine.co.uk
Sex & relationship therapist Sarah Berry explores the, sometimes frustrating, topic of orgasms
Orgams. How many features are there in the world telling you how to have better orgasms, different orgasms, multiple orgasms? And how many column inches (fnar) are devoted to all that comes before it? Well… I haven’t actually counted but you can bet your front-bottom dollar that there are billions more on the former. We are obsessed with orgasms and, even if we can have them most of the time we have sex, the media propaganda tells us that we can always do better.
But should an orgasm really be the main event in sex? It’s a jolly nice end if you can have one, but focusing on the end means you could miss out on the bits before. What’s more, and this is the real fecker, if you think we might not climax, then focusing on it can make it less likely to happen. Now admittedly this is yet another orgasm feature but I hope the tips I have given will diminish orgasm anxiety and help you get the most out of saucy times.
When you’re tired, stressed or worried about something you can find yourself stuck in your head rather than your body. Concentrating on what you see, hear, smell and feel can help you be more present. Talking about it before you have sex, outside the bedroom, can really help. During sex tell your partner you’re having trouble relaxing and ask for assistance. If you find yourself stuck in your head, talking erotically, moaning or asking your partner to do something sexual can also help bring you back into the room.
If you’re able to come when you’re alone but not with someone else, have you thought about masturbating in front of your partner? It could be that having them see how you like to be touched could help. Also if you have problems letting go in front of someone, taking more control by touching yourself could help educate your mind and body that it is ok to release with others.
What if you don’t fancy your partner or are mad at them or don’t trust them? Indeed the person you’re having sex with may not be your partner, but someone you’ve just met. In cases such as these it can be hard to relax. Being taken from behind can help you to focus on what you’re feeling. Some people like to fantasise during sex, and facing away can help with this. It isn’t necessarily ideal to do this in a long-term relationship as it takes away from intimacy. Looking in to someone’s eyes as you get excited can sometimes help zone out all the bad and help you connect and also come.
As well as being orgasm focused the general media is performance focused. We’re always hearing about how to please him in bed (the media usually assumes that all sex is men and women grinding genitals). Generally better sex is had when both people are feeling into it. If you are naked with someone, and they are excited, the chances are they are not thinking about the bits you aren’t so chuffed with. There are positions that can flatter and you can also experiment with lighting or being partially clothed. You could also work on liking yourself. Some people find looking at themselves in front of a mirror – even masturbating while they do this – can help them to see themselves in a new light.
If you only come while using a vibrator why not bring it out when having sex with other people? This can sometimes feel embarrassing or daunting. Treating it like a game – something fun to try – can sometimes help. Also, if you’re having sex with a chap and you’re worried about hurting his pride, going for a vibrator that looks less phallic can be a good idea.
Do you find it tricky to get aroused? If you find your mind goes blank when you think about fantasies, reading sexy books or watching sexy movies may help. We all find different things sexy, and watching a range can be a fun way to explore this. How do you feel about your vagina? If you feel disconnected, maybe have a look in a mirror. If you don’t like what you see, drawing it can sometimes help you reframe what you see.
If you constantly finding your pleasure reaches a plateau, changing your routine can sometimes help – you could try a different position, different place or different time. Doing Kegel exercises to bring on the final phase. To work out how to do these, next time you go for a wee stop the flow – that’s you squeezing your muscle. Doing these during sex can help stimulate the flow of blood and may bring on an orgasm. Also role-playing an orgasm can sometimes train your body what to do. Whether alone or with a partner, try acting an exaggerated orgasm – do whatever you feel. This could involve screaming, thrashing around and biting the pillow.
If the above doesn’t work or you don’t fancy trying it, it could be that you have a subconscious – or even conscious – barrier to letting go during sex. Maybe you’ve experienced trauma, or some sort of negative experience to do with sex, your body or relationships. Or it could be someone else’s relationship like your parents’ that has had a negative effect on you? Even if it’s something you don’t usually think about, or you can’t pinpoint anything, your body could be used to acting a certain way. It may be that you experience shame around sexual thoughts. Or it may be that you have depression or anxiety or are on medication that affects the libido. Going to a sex therapist can help explore and manage these thoughts.
This isn’t an exhaustive list about the barriers that could hinder your orgasm. If you do have trouble I hope it has at least inspired you. We don’t always come every time we have sex. If and when you do, take time to bask in that afterglow.
Sex & relationship therapist Sarah Berry explores the, sometimes frustrating, topic of orgasms
Orgams. How many features are there in the world telling you how to have better orgasms, different orgasms, multiple orgasms? And how many column inches (fnar) are devoted to all that comes before it? Well… I haven’t actually counted but you can bet your front-bottom dollar that there are billions more on the former. We are obsessed with orgasms and, even if we can have them most of the time we have sex, the media propaganda tells us that we can always do better.
But should an orgasm really be the main event in sex? It’s a jolly nice end if you can have one, but focusing on the end means you could miss out on the bits before. What’s more, and this is the real fecker, if you think we might not climax, then focusing on it can make it less likely to happen. Now admittedly this is yet another orgasm feature but I hope the tips I have given will diminish orgasm anxiety and help you get the most out of saucy times.
When you’re tired, stressed or worried about something you can find yourself stuck in your head rather than your body. Concentrating on what you see, hear, smell and feel can help you be more present. Talking about it before you have sex, outside the bedroom, can really help. During sex tell your partner you’re having trouble relaxing and ask for assistance. If you find yourself stuck in your head, talking erotically, moaning or asking your partner to do something sexual can also help bring you back into the room.
If you’re able to come when you’re alone but not with someone else, have you thought about masturbating in front of your partner? It could be that having them see how you like to be touched could help. Also if you have problems letting go in front of someone, taking more control by touching yourself could help educate your mind and body that it is ok to release with others.
What if you don’t fancy your partner or are mad at them or don’t trust them? Indeed the person you’re having sex with may not be your partner, but someone you’ve just met. In cases such as these it can be hard to relax. Being taken from behind can help you to focus on what you’re feeling. Some people like to fantasise during sex, and facing away can help with this. It isn’t necessarily ideal to do this in a long-term relationship as it takes away from intimacy. Looking in to someone’s eyes as you get excited can sometimes help zone out all the bad and help you connect and also come.
As well as being orgasm focused the general media is performance focused. We’re always hearing about how to please him in bed (the media usually assumes that all sex is men and women grinding genitals). Generally better sex is had when both people are feeling into it. If you are naked with someone, and they are excited, the chances are they are not thinking about the bits you aren’t so chuffed with. There are positions that can flatter and you can also experiment with lighting or being partially clothed. You could also work on liking yourself. Some people find looking at themselves in front of a mirror – even masturbating while they do this – can help them to see themselves in a new light.
If you only come while using a vibrator why not bring it out when having sex with other people? This can sometimes feel embarrassing or daunting. Treating it like a game – something fun to try – can sometimes help. Also, if you’re having sex with a chap and you’re worried about hurting his pride, going for a vibrator that looks less phallic can be a good idea.
Do you find it tricky to get aroused? If you find your mind goes blank when you think about fantasies, reading sexy books or watching sexy movies may help. We all find different things sexy, and watching a range can be a fun way to explore this. How do you feel about your vagina? If you feel disconnected, maybe have a look in a mirror. If you don’t like what you see, drawing it can sometimes help you reframe what you see.
If you constantly finding your pleasure reaches a plateau, changing your routine can sometimes help – you could try a different position, different place or different time. Doing Kegel exercises to bring on the final phase. To work out how to do these, next time you go for a wee stop the flow – that’s you squeezing your muscle. Doing these during sex can help stimulate the flow of blood and may bring on an orgasm. Also role-playing an orgasm can sometimes train your body what to do. Whether alone or with a partner, try acting an exaggerated orgasm – do whatever you feel. This could involve screaming, thrashing around and biting the pillow.
If the above doesn’t work or you don’t fancy trying it, it could be that you have a subconscious – or even conscious – barrier to letting go during sex. Maybe you’ve experienced trauma, or some sort of negative experience to do with sex, your body or relationships. Or it could be someone else’s relationship like your parents’ that has had a negative effect on you? Even if it’s something you don’t usually think about, or you can’t pinpoint anything, your body could be used to acting a certain way. It may be that you experience shame around sexual thoughts. Or it may be that you have depression or anxiety or are on medication that affects the libido. Going to a sex therapist can help explore and manage these thoughts.
This isn’t an exhaustive list about the barriers that could hinder your orgasm. If you do have trouble I hope it has at least inspired you. We don’t always come every time we have sex. If and when you do, take time to bask in that afterglow.
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